Yodeller

It's getting closer, the end of my streak. Just a bit over a week and it's done. Somehow this feels harder than the first 10 days. Of course that was a long time ago so my memory might be a bit vague on those details back then.

Getting closer and when hitting the bad day it would be easy to kust make the break earlier. Why write of I'm going to break it anyway in a few days? I could just quit now. But the habit (and addiction) still kicks in. The words start flowing out and I het my fix.

Good thing I don't have to worry what happens afterwards. There won't be pressure eiter to write, or not to write. I can write whenever I want, whenever I feel like it.

Another thing that makes these days hard is the creeping doubt. I thought I was already certain and made my decision to quit, but then I get these other thoughts - am I throwing away an eight year's effort just like that. It's not something I could get back easily. It would take (almost) eight years to get where I am today.

I have been convincing ro myself that I don't care about the streak. That I write because I like it, because I have something to say. But the truth is it's the streak and the fear of breaking it that has kept me going.

Giving myself a relief from the pressure and obligation will definitely change things. You would imagine after eight years everything has already be written. Trust me, some days it feels like it. I've had to come up with something to write from the bottom of the barrel. Some of those post could very well had been left unwritten.

But there is still plenty of things to write. Every day brings something new. There is always a different angle to the things. So there is still a lot to write about. I'm sure I want to get those thoughts put of my mind. I think it's better to write when there is actually something worth writing for rather than writing just for the sake of writing.

It doesn't mean that the streak wouldn't be important. It got me started and I've learned a lot during it. I'm keen to see what my post count will be over rhe coming years when it's not set to fixed 365 posts. Maybe it will be less, but it could even be more.

Spotify releases their Spotify wrapped each year around this time. It's always nice to see such statistics and it also gives me a throwback through the year as rhe songs I have played around rhe year bring back memories from those times.

Now that I'm also a "verified artist" I learned that there is wrapped for artists as well. It gives statistics from the other side - how people have been listening my music.

There weren't much, and I'm not surprised. I only put my music there for my own convenience. But it's still nice to see that at least a few other people have found my music somewhat entertaining and spent some time listening to it.

I also checked my distributor and sow that there was even some royalties piling up. The whole 91 cents! So not only does this hobby of mine make me famous, but it's making me rich too /s.

Deciding to break my streak still feels like a good idea. Not only will it remove the pressure I feel to having ro write every day, but it also removes the fear of failure. I could keep going and end up breaking the streak at some point by accident, or due circumstances. But that would be a failure despite my earlier decision not to care about the streak. It's still something I'm trying ro keep up.

It's something out of my control. I can do everything I can to not end in that situation. It has been working for almost eight years so far, so the chances of that happening are quite slim. But the odds are against me. It's bound to happen sooner or later and longer I continue the more opportunities for that failure there will be.

By doing it on my own terms I haven't failed. I have both succeeded to write for eight years and managed to break what I feel has become an addiction.

One reason, the main reason why I'm planning to break my streak is that I feel the habit has become an addiction. I'm no longer keeping up this habit - it is keeping me.

Keeping up the streak gives me anxiety. I just can't miss the daily writing. It forces me to think ahead to make sure I have time and place to write. It makes me withdraw when I'm in the company of others. It dictates my days.

In the beginning it was great. A new challenge that kept me going until the habit formed and it became natural and easy. Then it just kept going. I didn't need to think about it. Now, it's an obsession.

I even allowed myself to break the streak, tried to convince myself it's not that bad if I miss a day accidentally, or when I didn't feel like writing. Still I have been writing and writing. Even though there have been days when it felt impossible. Impossible to find time, or to come up with something to write.

I have proven that I can do it. Now, once again I need ro prove myself I can do it - I can break my streak, my addiction. Sure there are way worse addictions than writing 200(ish) words every day. But it's still an addiction.

Also, breaking free from an addiction sounds much better than breaking a habit.