struggle

I'm tired. I have postponed today's writing until now. I want to go to sleep. And yet, I have to write. I just want it done, but I don't want to write about it yet again. 

But still, here I am. Writing all over again about the same topic.  Haven't I learned anything from all the previous times I have been in this same situation?

Ok, so this is not like all the other times. I won't write about it anymore. Instead, I'll write something else. Something completely different. Something that is not just a boring repetition of the same old topic.

Too late, too tired. I don't know what it is, but this is hard again. Had a hard time coming up with any topic to write about. And even then I managed only to write a sentence or two about it. Nothing more. So I had to try the next one, and the next and so on. Nothing worked, I just couldn't get anything out.

The wisest thing I could do now is to write. Get it done as I know there isn't much time later. I'm about to leave to spend time with friends playing. And it will be late when I'm back home when I have the next chance to write. I will be tired, and in a hurry then. But still, I need to write.

Yet I don't get started. I rely on those last moments. I'd still have time after I get home. I don't have to do it just now. Even if I know how hard and annoying it will be in that late evening time.

I just wrote yesterday and now I'm here again. Need to come up with another 200 words from some topic that happens to come to my mind. And once again just before going to sleep.

It's another thing to leave the writing at the last moment, but actually coming up with something sensible to write would be better no matter when I write. It just seems like these late evening scribings are usually the one full of nonsense. Or just plain rambling how I can't come up with anything proper or am just overall tired of writing.

I failed already. I didn't follow my routine and instead of starting to write right away I started doing through my messages. This hardly ever happens in these situations, its the strongest cue to start writing for me. So strong that sometimes I have found myself starting to write right after sitting down on the train even if I had already completed writing for the day.

It's hard to start when you have a lot of things to do. It can feel daunting. You feel overwhelmed, unsure of where to start. You just need to star with something, anything. Doesn't matter what as long as you do it.

I don't have problems writing 200 words at any time. After these two years, I believe I could do it any time, anywhere and about any topic. But still, sometimes it's these late evening moments when I'm struggling to get the writing done.

It's not about the writing itself. It's just that I can't get started. I keep procrastinating to the last moment. And I don't know why. I should be comfortable with this task by now. It can't be that I'm shying away from it. And it can't be about the topic either. As I said I believe I could manage to write just about anything.